Mark Twain once advised that all children having reached their thirteenth birthday should be put in a wooden barrel, the lid nailed shut, and be fed through a hole in the side. When they turn sixteen plug the hole in the side. There have been days with my teenagers when I have considered heeding that advice, but there are also days when they just surprise me by doing something that is totally awesome.
My youngest son, who is sixteen, just gave his girlfriend a Christmas gift that is totally awesome! No, it was not a brand new Mustang convertible. It was a journal, but not any ordinary journal. He kept every little scrap of remembrance, note, ticket stub, since they began dating even down to a gum wrapper given on some special occasion. He took all these items and placed each one on a page of the journal and then wrote an entry explaining what each of these items meant to him. It took him hours to compile and write this.
A couple of days before he gave it to her, he read parts of it to his mother, and his three sisters. All of them were in absolute awe of what he had done. When he gave it to his girlfriend she was moved to tears by it. If he had given her a new Mustang convertible, it would have paled in comparison to the gift of the journal.
What made this gift so valuable? The gift was valuable because it showed the young lady that she was valuable. I think being valued is at the heart of every woman, especially our wives. Scripture not only teaches the importance of value to our wives, but commands that we, as husbands, give value to our wives. Peter writes, “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered” 1 Peter 3:7 NKJV (emphasis added).
The word honor means to ascribe a value to something. Peter’s phrase “as to the weaker vessel” is often misunderstood. He is not saying that women are weak and somehow inferior. Let me give you a word picture of what this means. I am an avid coffee drinker. I carry a durable plastic coffee cup in my car that I refill most days at my favorite coffee shop. When I am done with my coffee this cup gets thrown in the back of my car till I need to use it the next time. Occasionally, it even gets washed out! On the other hand, when my mother died last year, she left some beautiful hand-painted porcelain china coffee cups to us. These cups are not designed to be carried in the car and thrown in the back seat. No, they are delicate and beautiful. They are designed to be put where they can be admired and used with care and love. How do you treat your wife? Like a plastic travel mug or a beautiful porcelain cup? Whatever you take care of is valuable to you.
How do you show her she is valuable? There are many different ways. You can express value with words, actions, attitudes, gifts, listening, etc. Be romantically creative! By the way, there is a spiritual benefit when value is exhibited in a marriage. Peter says that our prayers will not be hindered. Value builds on the beautiful “oneness” that God wants us to have in our marriages.
It’s the beginning of a New Year, what a great time to get busy working on expressing value to your spouse. Well, I need to go visit with my sixteen year old son and see if he has some other great creative ideas. Besides, I think it’s time to let him out of the barrel!
Dr. Walter Mullican
Sr. Pastor, Portland Ave Baptist Church, OKC
Marriage Network Oklahoma Board
http://www.wmullican.blogspot.com/
http://www.portlandavenue.org/
Walls that Fear Builds
Walls seem to spring up overnight between people who love each other. Sometimes we need to do some honest detective work to find the root cause.
We always want to think the rift is because of what the other person said or didn’t say, did or didn’t do. However, what we have authority over is the issues of our own heart. Most often there is a root of fear. The Lord said, “Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” (Isa 41:10 NKJV) All unforgiveness is fear based. It binds us to the past and fouls up our future. We fear being vulnerable to further hurt if we let go of the thoughtless word or deed. This fear makes us self-protect and bind our hurts around us tight.
We live in a fallen world with an active enemy who hates marriage. He sets all kinds of traps, causing us to step back from the intimacy we so desire. Our enemy would like to keep these hidden, so we will not acknowledge our fear and trust our Lord.
Our Savior was the example of trusting vulnerability when He hung on the cross. He trusted His Father to uphold Him in Their righteous cause. We can trust Father to take care of us, and freely forgive. Hurts and offenses come, but we do not have to take them as our own. Let them go, and He will bring grace and mercy into the situation.
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” (2 Tim 1:7) His love is greater that any hurt that is sent our way, intentionally or unintentionally. We have a sound mind that can choose to respond from within His grace. And He gives us the power to do it!
Carol Gordon
Co-Founder & Director
Heart Menders Int'l, Inc.
http://www.heartmenders.org/
"Pioneering Transformational Discipleship since 1987"
We always want to think the rift is because of what the other person said or didn’t say, did or didn’t do. However, what we have authority over is the issues of our own heart. Most often there is a root of fear. The Lord said, “Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” (Isa 41:10 NKJV) All unforgiveness is fear based. It binds us to the past and fouls up our future. We fear being vulnerable to further hurt if we let go of the thoughtless word or deed. This fear makes us self-protect and bind our hurts around us tight.
We live in a fallen world with an active enemy who hates marriage. He sets all kinds of traps, causing us to step back from the intimacy we so desire. Our enemy would like to keep these hidden, so we will not acknowledge our fear and trust our Lord.
Our Savior was the example of trusting vulnerability when He hung on the cross. He trusted His Father to uphold Him in Their righteous cause. We can trust Father to take care of us, and freely forgive. Hurts and offenses come, but we do not have to take them as our own. Let them go, and He will bring grace and mercy into the situation.
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” (2 Tim 1:7) His love is greater that any hurt that is sent our way, intentionally or unintentionally. We have a sound mind that can choose to respond from within His grace. And He gives us the power to do it!
Carol Gordon
Co-Founder & Director
Heart Menders Int'l, Inc.
http://www.heartmenders.org/
"Pioneering Transformational Discipleship since 1987"
12 Days of Marriage
12 DAYS before Christmas!!
What are you giving your spouse? Is it a gift that will be forgotten by next year or something that will make your Christmas and marriage memorable?
Some ideas for a Making Marriage Memorable at Christmas:
1. Write a card or Christmas letter to your spouse telling him/her the attributes you love (not what they do, but who they are) - character qualities, talents, God-given gifts.
2. Plan a special time together before Christmas, just the two of you, without kids or friends or other family friends.
3. Go for a walk in an area with lots of Christmas lights (like downtown OKC), stop for a special coffee or hot chocolate drink.
4. Spend some time with your spouse talking about your favorite Christmas memories together as a couple.
5. Start a tradition on Christmas Eve, by yourself or with your children, and talk about the gift of Jesus Christ, and what He has done for you during this past year. Each person can take time to tell what he or she is thankful.
6. Commit not to say anything negative or critical to your spouse from now until Christmas ( a local marriage ministry had a great idea advocating 30 days without negativity in December, try starting with 10 days!)
7. As your family gathers for Christmas celebrations, find something about which to brag on your mate. Tell all of your family something great about him/her.
8. Give your spouse whatever you want the most from him/her - it might be grace or forgiveness or acceptance or a kind word.
9. Show tender affection to your spouse without expecting anything in return.
10. If your spouse is a Christian, share something that God has shown you that He wants you to do to strengthen your marriage.
11. Give your spouse a "to do list" break, don't ask them "to do" anything for you, but ask what you can do for him/her.
12. Be grateful for whatever your spouse gives your for Christmas, even if it is a tie or appliance that you didn't want or don't like.
Great place for each of us to start!
Donna Edwards
Giving Life to Marriages
http://www.livingwellokc.org/
What are you giving your spouse? Is it a gift that will be forgotten by next year or something that will make your Christmas and marriage memorable?
Some ideas for a Making Marriage Memorable at Christmas:
1. Write a card or Christmas letter to your spouse telling him/her the attributes you love (not what they do, but who they are) - character qualities, talents, God-given gifts.
2. Plan a special time together before Christmas, just the two of you, without kids or friends or other family friends.
3. Go for a walk in an area with lots of Christmas lights (like downtown OKC), stop for a special coffee or hot chocolate drink.
4. Spend some time with your spouse talking about your favorite Christmas memories together as a couple.
5. Start a tradition on Christmas Eve, by yourself or with your children, and talk about the gift of Jesus Christ, and what He has done for you during this past year. Each person can take time to tell what he or she is thankful.
6. Commit not to say anything negative or critical to your spouse from now until Christmas ( a local marriage ministry had a great idea advocating 30 days without negativity in December, try starting with 10 days!)
7. As your family gathers for Christmas celebrations, find something about which to brag on your mate. Tell all of your family something great about him/her.
8. Give your spouse whatever you want the most from him/her - it might be grace or forgiveness or acceptance or a kind word.
9. Show tender affection to your spouse without expecting anything in return.
10. If your spouse is a Christian, share something that God has shown you that He wants you to do to strengthen your marriage.
11. Give your spouse a "to do list" break, don't ask them "to do" anything for you, but ask what you can do for him/her.
12. Be grateful for whatever your spouse gives your for Christmas, even if it is a tie or appliance that you didn't want or don't like.
Great place for each of us to start!
Donna Edwards
Giving Life to Marriages
http://www.livingwellokc.org/
THE GIFT YOU CAN GIVE by Carol Gordon
Did you know that we are designed to BE a gift at Christmas and all the rest of the year? We are to aim to be a grace gift in every relationship, and if we do not begin at home, it is fake other places. Our marriage is the primary training field to practice the grace of kindness.
One of the problems in living this out is our self-centeredness. We only see others’ behaviors and not our own. We excuse ourselves and blame them when strife rears its head. Taking responsibility for our own contribution to the event, even when we think we are right, is evidence of His grace working in us.
I know that there are times we have all wondered, “Did they know how selfish that sounded”? The better questions are: “Did I speak my heart with mercy and grace toward them? Did I cause their defensive reaction?” The Word is a mirror where we see ourselves reflected. We also see ourselves reflected in the eyes and responses of our spouse and children. If there is a repeated pattern, we can humbly ask for input and ask the Holy Spirit to help us to see ourselves clearly.
In the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, humility, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23), we get some direct help. In this pattern of three threes, the first three describe our relationship with the Lord, the second three our relationships with others, and the third, character traits we should require of ourselves at all times. If we have as our goal, PATIENCE, KINDNESS AND GOODNESS, we will have interactions that are more peaceful in our home.
If we practice patience, we will both speak to and listen to our spouse without pressure, and take time to let him or her choose their response to us. Kindness will prevent our talking down to our beloved, and not take them for granted. If we want good things for them then we will package our interactions in goodness.. The abbreviation for “package” is PKG, and this will help us to remember to keep patience, kindness, and goodness ever active.
BE a gift from Him to your spouse. Package yourself in grace and extend mercy, throughout the Christmas Season, in honor of Him!
“See that none of you repays another with evil for evil, but always aim to show kindness and seek to do good to one another and to everybody. Be happy [in your faith] and rejoice and be glad-hearted continually”. (1 Thess 5:15-16 AMP)
Carol Gordon
Co-Founder & Director
Heart Menders Int'l, Inc.
http://www.heartmenders.org/
"Pioneering Transformational Discipleship since 1987"
One of the problems in living this out is our self-centeredness. We only see others’ behaviors and not our own. We excuse ourselves and blame them when strife rears its head. Taking responsibility for our own contribution to the event, even when we think we are right, is evidence of His grace working in us.
I know that there are times we have all wondered, “Did they know how selfish that sounded”? The better questions are: “Did I speak my heart with mercy and grace toward them? Did I cause their defensive reaction?” The Word is a mirror where we see ourselves reflected. We also see ourselves reflected in the eyes and responses of our spouse and children. If there is a repeated pattern, we can humbly ask for input and ask the Holy Spirit to help us to see ourselves clearly.
In the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, humility, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23), we get some direct help. In this pattern of three threes, the first three describe our relationship with the Lord, the second three our relationships with others, and the third, character traits we should require of ourselves at all times. If we have as our goal, PATIENCE, KINDNESS AND GOODNESS, we will have interactions that are more peaceful in our home.
If we practice patience, we will both speak to and listen to our spouse without pressure, and take time to let him or her choose their response to us. Kindness will prevent our talking down to our beloved, and not take them for granted. If we want good things for them then we will package our interactions in goodness.. The abbreviation for “package” is PKG, and this will help us to remember to keep patience, kindness, and goodness ever active.
BE a gift from Him to your spouse. Package yourself in grace and extend mercy, throughout the Christmas Season, in honor of Him!
“See that none of you repays another with evil for evil, but always aim to show kindness and seek to do good to one another and to everybody. Be happy [in your faith] and rejoice and be glad-hearted continually”. (1 Thess 5:15-16 AMP)
Carol Gordon
Co-Founder & Director
Heart Menders Int'l, Inc.
http://www.heartmenders.org/
"Pioneering Transformational Discipleship since 1987"
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