A good marriage requires a healthy measure of trust to prosper. However, life inevitably brings disappointments, large and small. Not all our dreams and expectations come true. Often, one spouse or the other feels let down or deeply disappointed. Sometimes both husband and wife experience unfulfilled expectations. Priorities shift as career and children require our attention.
Healthy couples keep feelings talked about and resolved. Not every couple is skilled at this kind of communication, however. One problem is that we don’t really recognize the serious impact disappointment can have. It is like a dart that penetrates the heart, and sinks deep, unseen. If it is not removed, it festers like a splinter. The infection begins to gradually affect everything about the relationship.
Doubt about the spouse’s motives become easy to entertain. Trust erodes unseen like soil disappearing into a stream. The one entertaining disappointment, often without recognizing it, begins to add up slights and build walls. Soon resentment is sending to poison into every area of the marriage, and possibly shared with children and coworkers. The roots and tendrils of bitterness are growing rapidly and coming out in the tones of conversation. This shows a heart has been allowed to hardened and close to love.
This is why the Scripture instruct us to keep short accounts. “do not let the sun go down on your wrath,” (Eph 4:26b NKJV). In fact, the whole book of Ephesians is rich with wisdom for relationships. We have to be clear and open in our communications. We have to be quick to identify issues and just as quick to forgive. If our spouse is hurting then we need to repent, whether we intentionally spoke or acted selfishly or not.
Forgiveness and repentance are tools that ease the friction and pain that build up over time.
The Lord told us in John 10:10, “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.” We must recognize we have and enemy that works to ruin every marriage and family, because they are dear to Father’s heart. Instead of blaming each other, couples need to work together as a team to defeat his plans.
If we do not deal with hurts quickly, and honestly identify them and get free, they can cause untold harm in the hearts of our families. It is to the enemy’s advantage to stir up disappointment and hurt, so that he can plant mistrust in the hearts of spouses and children. He uses many subtle seeds to start the growth of roots that will spread through generations, if we do not recognize his ploys.
Without the help of the Lord, and deep commitment to Him to love one another, we are at risk of broken hearts and families. We must fight the battle to keep our hearts open and clear of hurt. Marriage is so special to the Lord and we honor Him when we follow His ways of nurturing ours. “This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” (Eph. 5:32-33).
“Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma”. (Eph 5:1)
Carol Gordon
Building a Lasting Marriage
After my wife and I celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary, some good natured (though not quite true) jokes were generated such as:
"We have never considered divorce. Murder, yes, but never divorce."
"We've been happily married for ten years. We've actually been married for 26 years but ten of them have been happy."
"In all our years of marriage we've never gone to sleep angry with each other. Sometimes we've stayed up without sleep for four days though."
For Diane's part, she has had to field such questions as, "How have you managed to live with this guy that long?" and "How do you put up with him?" She has learned to nod and smile and give all the credit to the mercy of the Lord.
But the most prominent thought Diane and I as we celebrate this anniversary is, "Aren't we fortunate to have a loving relationship that has endured for over twenty five years?" We know some of it is due to perseverance and effort on our part, but we are mindful that our anniversary is also a time to celebrate the many people who have contributed to our marriage.
"Building a Lasting Marriage" by Jim Priest
"We have never considered divorce. Murder, yes, but never divorce."
"We've been happily married for ten years. We've actually been married for 26 years but ten of them have been happy."
"In all our years of marriage we've never gone to sleep angry with each other. Sometimes we've stayed up without sleep for four days though."
For Diane's part, she has had to field such questions as, "How have you managed to live with this guy that long?" and "How do you put up with him?" She has learned to nod and smile and give all the credit to the mercy of the Lord.
But the most prominent thought Diane and I as we celebrate this anniversary is, "Aren't we fortunate to have a loving relationship that has endured for over twenty five years?" We know some of it is due to perseverance and effort on our part, but we are mindful that our anniversary is also a time to celebrate the many people who have contributed to our marriage.
- Both sets of our parents, who themselves have been married for over fifty years. They gave us a blueprint of marriage by their positive role modeling and words of encouragement
- Our pastors and friends at church who counseled with us, cried with us and laughed with us through the trials and triumphs of life. They helped frame our house of marriage with the support we needed.
- Our children, who added so much joy to our lives but also forced us to think beyond ourselves and our own wants. They decorated our marriage with bright colors inside and out.
- The authors of innumerable books we read, speakers at seminars we attended and assorted individuals who contributed wisdom and insight over the years on the subject of marriage in general, and our marriage in particular.
- Our Heavenly Father, who patiently reveals His way to us and encourages us, through His word, to remain faithful in our marriage commitment.
- Don't be reluctant or afraid to seek outside counseling with persistent marital problems. The insight of a concerned and thoughtful third party can be a refreshing and healthy.
- Expand your circle of friends to include couples who are committed to marriage. Spend time with those who will encourage, and not undermine, your marriage commitment.
- Increase the amount of time you spend working on your marriage. Dedicate parts of each week to cultivating your marriage relationship.
"Building a Lasting Marriage" by Jim Priest
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