H1N1, Type A flu, winter colds, pneumonia, sigh........Everyone is talking about getting sick these days. That makes sense, with all that is going around in the air, but something that is every bit as important as vaccinations and nasal mists and medications is prevention. Everyone wants to talk about getting the shot, but things like sneezing into the inside of your elbow, washing your hands, and using Germ-X doesn't seem nearly as "sensational", but is just as important. Then, there is the little matter of a healthy immune system. Being healthy can be as simple as getting a check up once in a while, and then taking good care of yourself.
Okay, so what does that have to do with marriage? I in no way want to equate a marriage with the flu...that's just asking for trouble. But, what if we could pay a little (a lot?) more attention to some work on the front end, and save ourselves the heartache at the back end more often? What if we could do a little prevention and avoid getting sick altogether? Here's a checkup for us from Colossians that might help us to know where we our relational "immune systems" might need some help:
On a scale from 0 (not at all), to 10 (this characterizes me), are we dealing with:
1) Counterfeit Intimacy--Illegitimate ways to meet a legitimate desire for love. Paul tells us to "put to death whatever belongs to (our) earthly nature; sexual immorality, impurity, lust..." (3:5). Are we struggling with pornography, an affair, or other sexual sins that have us giving our best affection to someone or something other than our spouse?
2) Counterfeit Worship--Illegitimate desire for legitimate material things. Paul goes on to tell us we should also put down "evil desire and greed, which is idolatry". (3:5b) What gets the best of our time, attention, and emotions? Is is our relationships, or our career, or our hobbies, or our retirement savings, or ..... The list can be endless. But note something. Paul equates greed with idolatry. Is there something in my life that has taken the place of God when it comes to how I devote myself to my days. If my walk, and my marriage, and my parenting have the best of me, I'm on the right track. If I spend all of my emotional and spiritual energy "keeping up with the Joneses", perhaps something besides God is sitting on the throne of my life.
3) Counterfeit Communication--Illegitimate ways of sharing legitimate thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. "But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other..." (3:8-9a) How do we use our words? Do I handle my emotions, my disagreements, my hopes, and my disappointments with my loved ones with grace, or in a way that removes my ability to speak into their lives. This can happen in a couple of ways. One, I can be harsh, cold, impatient, and angry in how and what I say. That will do nothing to encourage someone to listen to me in a loving way. Secondly, though, in a world full of Talk Radio, cell phones, twitter, 24 hour news channels and so on, sometimes we just get tired of all of it, and we stop listening to everything. Our family, and our God, included. Check yourself: how are you speaking, and to what are you listenting? Is there room to hear in your life?
4) Counterfeit Identity--Illegitimate means to acheive legitimate status or influence.
“Here, there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all and is in all.” (3:11) In Paul's day, people were using anything from their ethnic heritage to their gender to "jockey for position", even in the church. Sometimes we aren't much different. We will appeal to our knowledge, our experience, the way it was in our family; all kinds of things to show that we are "Right". But when we do so, we tend to lose our audience. No one wants to be close to someone that has to win every argument, or come out on top every time we disagree. Work to make sure we see, and relate to, each other with God's perspective of their value.
If you have some answers that are higher than you would like on these scales, don't be alarmed. Most couples deal with some part of at least some of these somewhere along the way. Talk together about what you see, and pray that God would show you what the next step is. Maybe it's as simple as talking about something a different way, or changing the way you handle some situations. If the situation requires a substantial life change, or a need for some help, let someone know. A pastor, a good Christian counselor, and/or a trusted friend can help you with some deeper needs. Look elsewhere on this website for some resources if this is your situation. Most of all, don't give up. You never know how God will move to make things better until you ask Him. Grace and Peace to you, in Him,
Shawn Crawley
MNO
Churches Help Marriages TWO IGNITE
I ran across a very interesting church project the other day. Two Christian churches -- one in Branson, Mo., the other in Phoenix, Az. -- have launched a joint marriage ministry project in their respective churches called TWO IGNITE.
It all started a couple years ago with several couples from across the country and 3 key questions they asked of themselves. Their initial questions were:
1) When someone says ‘Marriage Ministry’ you think _____?
2) Where would you rate your marriage on a scale of one to 10 _____?
3) For a marriage ministry to work in the local church, it would have to be _____?
After wrestling with their answers, these two churches have since developed an extensive, fun, challenging, couple-based, ongoing program of marriage ministry for interested couples who attend their churches.
Over the course of the year, they are thematically covering 12 key topics that are critical to every marriage. They call these dozen key marriage topics IGNITERS. I think the churches have been tackling physical health and fitness for married couples this month.
The marriage ministry team at these two churches are creating excellent resources, sharing information, and developing webisodes which follow 12 participating TWO IGNITE couples (of various ages) around as each of these Igniters are presented and implemented (think a tasteful version of Reality TV). Well-known Christian author Dr. Gary Smalley, and his wife, Norma, are one of the couples. A blog chronicles the church-wide and couple experiences in both Branson and Phoenix, too.
Learn more, and check out their Web-site at: http://twoignite.com/
TWO IGNITE just might help to ignite a more comprehensive approach to marriage ministry at your church!
David Dunn
Research & Project Director, Oklahoma Family Policy Council
Board Member, Marriage Network Oklahoma
Beware Paybacks!
Winston Churchhill was known for the power of his tongue and pen. At a dinner party one evening he had imbibed too much and was told by a woman in attendance, "Sir, you are drunk!" Churchill responded, "Madam, you are ugly, but in the morning I shall be sober!" Paybacks can be brutal.
Good communication is critical to every marriage. Strong communciation leads to high levels of relationship satisfaction, but it is an area where many, if not most, couples need growth and improvement. Peter has some powerful words of wisdom for couples in his little letter of 1 Peter.
In this verse, Peter specifically addresses a communication pitfall that many of us fall into. When our mate begins to share with us their feelings, wants, or wishes we often go on the defensive before we have ever truly heard or understood what is being said. This often escalates very quickly into verbal warfare with many ugly, hurtful things being said. If they say something ugly or mean to us, we are going to get our payback by saying something ugly or hurtful back to them.
What does he want them to stop? He wants them to stop the payback. The NIV says "repay" which means getting back at someone for what that person did to you by giving back to them exactly what they sent to you. In other words, it's payback time! Notice Peter says what we repay is "evil with evil and insult with insult." The word "evil" is used here in the sense of feeling mistreated, abused, violated, injured, insulted. The natural reaction is return the same of ugliness back to our spouse. Our payback to them is to injure them with our own toxic verbal missiles. This is always a lose-lose proposition. It is never positive and never gives us the sense of satisfation we think it might.
So, is there an alternative? Yes, instead of "evil for evil and insult for insult" we are return "blessing" for evil and insult. But, you say, "That's not fair." It may not seem fair, but it is right and will produce results you cannot even begin to believe. The word "blessing" is a beautiful word. It is made up of two words in the original language. One meaning "good, wonderful, pleasurable" and the other meaning "words." Together it means to speak "good, wonderful, pleasurable words" to our spouse. We know the word "eulogy" which is a speech extoling the goodness of another person. It is the same word in this verse. We are to speak words that "build up" not "tear down" our spouse. We should "eulogize" them!
Easy to do? No, it is a choice we must make. You can be certain that your spouse will say something to hurt you. Why? Because, like you, they are human. But, you can choose how you will respond when this happens. Will you blast them or bless them? God has given His Holy Spirit to those who believe in Him to convict us and guide us into truth and proper actions. Ask God through His Holy Spirit to empower you to say the right things, to bless and not to blast.
Dr. Walter Mullican
Pastor, Portland Avenue Baptist Church, Oklahoma City, OK
Marriage Network Oklahoma Team Member
Good communication is critical to every marriage. Strong communciation leads to high levels of relationship satisfaction, but it is an area where many, if not most, couples need growth and improvement. Peter has some powerful words of wisdom for couples in his little letter of 1 Peter.
In this verse, Peter specifically addresses a communication pitfall that many of us fall into. When our mate begins to share with us their feelings, wants, or wishes we often go on the defensive before we have ever truly heard or understood what is being said. This often escalates very quickly into verbal warfare with many ugly, hurtful things being said. If they say something ugly or mean to us, we are going to get our payback by saying something ugly or hurtful back to them.
Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. 1 Peter 3:9 NIVHow do I know this is so common among couples? Well, I have been guilty with my spouse. Over our 33 years of marriage each of us has said some things at times we wish we hadn't said. Also, I have seen this repeatedly in my work with couples. Peter indicates it's an ongoing issue because the first word in this verse is "do not." It is a strong negative in the original language and carries the idea of stopping something immediately because it is already in progress. He is telling them, "Stop it!" It wasn't a potential problem, it was an going problem in his day.
What does he want them to stop? He wants them to stop the payback. The NIV says "repay" which means getting back at someone for what that person did to you by giving back to them exactly what they sent to you. In other words, it's payback time! Notice Peter says what we repay is "evil with evil and insult with insult." The word "evil" is used here in the sense of feeling mistreated, abused, violated, injured, insulted. The natural reaction is return the same of ugliness back to our spouse. Our payback to them is to injure them with our own toxic verbal missiles. This is always a lose-lose proposition. It is never positive and never gives us the sense of satisfation we think it might.
So, is there an alternative? Yes, instead of "evil for evil and insult for insult" we are return "blessing" for evil and insult. But, you say, "That's not fair." It may not seem fair, but it is right and will produce results you cannot even begin to believe. The word "blessing" is a beautiful word. It is made up of two words in the original language. One meaning "good, wonderful, pleasurable" and the other meaning "words." Together it means to speak "good, wonderful, pleasurable words" to our spouse. We know the word "eulogy" which is a speech extoling the goodness of another person. It is the same word in this verse. We are to speak words that "build up" not "tear down" our spouse. We should "eulogize" them!
Easy to do? No, it is a choice we must make. You can be certain that your spouse will say something to hurt you. Why? Because, like you, they are human. But, you can choose how you will respond when this happens. Will you blast them or bless them? God has given His Holy Spirit to those who believe in Him to convict us and guide us into truth and proper actions. Ask God through His Holy Spirit to empower you to say the right things, to bless and not to blast.
"Bitterness can cause you to shoot toxic verbal missiles loaded with evil toward others. However, the believer is called to launch verbal bombs of blessing loaded with words that build up, not tear down."May your marriage be strong in Him!
Dr. Walter Mullican
Pastor, Portland Avenue Baptist Church, Oklahoma City, OK
Marriage Network Oklahoma Team Member
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