Good communication is critical to every marriage. Strong communciation leads to high levels of relationship satisfaction, but it is an area where many, if not most, couples need growth and improvement. Peter has some powerful words of wisdom for couples in his little letter of 1 Peter.
In this verse, Peter specifically addresses a communication pitfall that many of us fall into. When our mate begins to share with us their feelings, wants, or wishes we often go on the defensive before we have ever truly heard or understood what is being said. This often escalates very quickly into verbal warfare with many ugly, hurtful things being said. If they say something ugly or mean to us, we are going to get our payback by saying something ugly or hurtful back to them.
Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. 1 Peter 3:9 NIVHow do I know this is so common among couples? Well, I have been guilty with my spouse. Over our 33 years of marriage each of us has said some things at times we wish we hadn't said. Also, I have seen this repeatedly in my work with couples. Peter indicates it's an ongoing issue because the first word in this verse is "do not." It is a strong negative in the original language and carries the idea of stopping something immediately because it is already in progress. He is telling them, "Stop it!" It wasn't a potential problem, it was an going problem in his day.
What does he want them to stop? He wants them to stop the payback. The NIV says "repay" which means getting back at someone for what that person did to you by giving back to them exactly what they sent to you. In other words, it's payback time! Notice Peter says what we repay is "evil with evil and insult with insult." The word "evil" is used here in the sense of feeling mistreated, abused, violated, injured, insulted. The natural reaction is return the same of ugliness back to our spouse. Our payback to them is to injure them with our own toxic verbal missiles. This is always a lose-lose proposition. It is never positive and never gives us the sense of satisfation we think it might.
So, is there an alternative? Yes, instead of "evil for evil and insult for insult" we are return "blessing" for evil and insult. But, you say, "That's not fair." It may not seem fair, but it is right and will produce results you cannot even begin to believe. The word "blessing" is a beautiful word. It is made up of two words in the original language. One meaning "good, wonderful, pleasurable" and the other meaning "words." Together it means to speak "good, wonderful, pleasurable words" to our spouse. We know the word "eulogy" which is a speech extoling the goodness of another person. It is the same word in this verse. We are to speak words that "build up" not "tear down" our spouse. We should "eulogize" them!
Easy to do? No, it is a choice we must make. You can be certain that your spouse will say something to hurt you. Why? Because, like you, they are human. But, you can choose how you will respond when this happens. Will you blast them or bless them? God has given His Holy Spirit to those who believe in Him to convict us and guide us into truth and proper actions. Ask God through His Holy Spirit to empower you to say the right things, to bless and not to blast.
"Bitterness can cause you to shoot toxic verbal missiles loaded with evil toward others. However, the believer is called to launch verbal bombs of blessing loaded with words that build up, not tear down."May your marriage be strong in Him!
Dr. Walter Mullican
Pastor, Portland Avenue Baptist Church, Oklahoma City, OK
Marriage Network Oklahoma Team Member
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