Chore Wars

The Surprising Truth About Household Chores

This is the final installment in a series of blog entries about things about which couples argue. This week's entry subject is household chores. Actually, I was supposed to write this entry two weeks ago but my wife had me so busy doing work around the house I am just now getting to write. (Just kidding, honey.)

Someone has referred to this subject as "chore wars" and in many homes household work really is a battle. Almost without exception the problem can be summarized like this: "He" (and this is referring to the male, the man, the husband, the x chromosome, the guy) "doesn't help with chores!". This saying is usually uttered by the female through clenched teeth, or with a sigh of exasperation, often accompanied by hands thrown up in disgust or despair. In the many years I've worked with couples I've never heard a husband complain that his wife doesn't help out around the house. This subject is the number one complaint from wives.

What's the number one complaint from husbands about their wives? Nagging. See the connection? He fails to help with chores. She nags him to help. He ignores, forgets, or refuses which leads her to nag more. It's like the downward spiral of a jet fighter who lost the air battle.

Rather than get bogged down in an analysis of why men never see things to be done, let me simply share the single most exciting discovery I made as a husband. This is not something anyone told me although it should be lesson #1 in all pre-marriage classes.

Doing housework makes you sexy.

I stumbled upon this quite accidently, years, ago while cleaning out the garage. It was a hot day and I was dirty from a couple hours of labor when my wife brought some trash out to the trash can and said "It's so sexy when you do chores around the house!" I suffered whip lash from my reaction. "What!? Doing work around the house is sexy? Then give me another mop bucket" I declared. She just winked and returned inside the house. I quickly finished up the garage.

I share my experience with every husband-to-be I talk with. And recently my own experience was confirmed by no less a source than the Wall Street Journal in an article entitled "Housework Pays Off Between the Sheets."

Housework may seem like the ultimate romance-killer. But guess what? A new study shows that for husbands and wives alike, the more housework you do, the more often you are likely to have sex with your spouse.
So in the interest of promoting more marital intimacy for every couple, here are some specific recommendations from Rachel Moheban, LCSW on the subject of winning the chore war:

1.) Tell your partner what you want or need without being judgmental. Be respectful and avoid criticisms. Never start a conversation with “You’re lazy!” This will only lead to anger and will make the situation worse.

2.) Present completing housework as the problem. Never make your partner feel as if they are the problem. Be open with your partner that you need help with housework without placing the blame.

3.) After you make your request, be open to ideas and suggestions from your partner. If you don’t agree with your partner’s ideas, stay calm and discuss alternatives.

4.) Bring up the subject while spending time with your partner. Don’t make it seem as if this is the only topic you want to discuss. If you do, your partner will become defensive immediately.

5.) Be friendly, open, honest, and make it personal. You can say “Darling, it would make me so happy if you would take out the trash when the bin is full.”

6.) Realize that small steps are important. Don’t expect big changes overnight. Transitioning from not doing housework to assisting with housework will take time.

Other articles in the series on arguing:
Sex
Work
Kids
By Jim Priest

Dream Marriage seminar - pics

Who Needs Marriage? Reviving the Marriage Culture

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a BreakPoint Commentary by Chuck Colson, 2-11-11

Is traditional marriage really that important? Only if we want to avoid economic and social collapse.

That was the title of a recent Time magazine cover story about how the institution of marriage has changed in recent decades.

Citing a much-publicized Pew study, Time reports that 40 percent of Americans believe that marriage is obsolete. But if marriage is obsolete, then such things as healthy societies soon will be obsolete as well.

In fact, the economic and social costs of marital breakdown in America are simply staggering. Two of our Centurions, my good friend and colleague Chuck Stetson and Sheila Weber, have launched a national campaign called “Let’s Strengthen Marriage,” to re-build a culture of marriage here in America and around the world. Here are just some of the facts they’ve gathered:

In economic terms, divorce and unmarried childbearing cost American taxpayers at least $112 billion per year and significantly increase poverty rates of both mothers and children. Married mothers have lower rates of depression than single or cohabiting mothers.

The social cost is huge—like building prisons. The vast majority of the men and women I’ve met behind bars come from broken homes or have grown up without a father in their lives. In 2009, California proved that we can’t build jails fast enough to accommodate these men and women when a panel of three judges ordered the state to release 27 percent of its prisoners due to overcrowding.

As if all that weren’t bad enough, the decline of marriage does not bode well for the future. Declining marriage rates lead to declining fertility rates. And many Western nations, not to mention Japan and China, will be dealing with an economically unsustainable situation by mid century. They will have half the number of able-bodied workers and twice as many people over 65 not earning money. Who is going to pay for government debt, pensions and healthcare?

Given these disastrous consequences, how can anyone maintain with a straight face that marriage isn’t that important? How can the Church stand on the sidelines while judges and legislators seek to re-define the very institution of marriage?

We are in the middle of National Marriage Week 2011 which concludes Monday, Valentine’s Day. I want you to think about what you can do to strengthen not only your own marriage, but marriages in your church and your community. We all need to do better.

And think about what you can do to strengthen the culture of marriage—especially in the Church. Get your pastor to preach on the importance of marriage. Urge him or her to institute marriage preparation classes for engaged couples and marriage enrichment course for those already married. And talk to your children and to young adults why marriage is such a beautiful part of God’s plan for men and women.

Come to our website, BreakPoint.org, and we’ll point you to the Let’s Strengthen Marriage Campaign, as well as to other organizations like Marriage Savers that work to strengthen marriage.  You’ll find plenty of resources and contacts to get you started.

Unless we begin to shore up this now-fragile institution, we are headed for both social and eventually economic collapse.

So the next time you hear someone ask, “Who needs marriage?” you need to tell them: “We all do.”

Dream Marriage Simulcast

Still time to sign-up for the Dream Marriage simulcast on Friday night and Saturday morning, February 11-12.

Give your marriage a gift for Valentine's Day!

See details and how to sign-up on this page.

Jimmy and Karen Evans, of Marriage Today, host a weekly TV program on Wednesday nights. He is also author of the widely used Marriage on the Rock: God's Design for Your Dream Marriage

series and book.

Arguing Over the Kids

I'm continuing a blog series (does that make this a "bleerie"?) on the subject of things couples fight about. This week's topic is "children".

I remember hearing Jay Kessler speak on marriage and family and Kessler remarked "Immediately after children are born, while they are in the hospital nursery and out of sight, someone comes around and whispers in their little ears, "Divide and conquer--divide and conquer!" Jay's right. There is something inherent in kids that seems to divide couples, causing the kid to "win". Whether it's arguments over bedtime, discipline, eating habits or dating, the fabric of our marriages can become frayed from the push and pull of children. Husbands and wives often have divergent views about how kids should be raised. The problems are compounded in blended families.

So here's my bottom line on how to minimize marital disruption in this area: make your kids second. Your marriage partner--and your marriage--should always have a higher priority than your kids.

The first time I mentioned this in an on-air television interview, the show host was incredulous. "You can't be serious!" she exclaimed. "If I did that I wouldn't be a good parent." I told her just the opposite was true. I said her kids would do better if they realized their parents' marriage came first. I related to the host how I used to tell my kids while they were growing up , 'I love you guys very much. You're about a 9.8 on a 10 point scale--but your mom is a "10." ' I also told the host when I got home from work I would always seek out my wife first, greet her with a kiss, then greet the children. It was just a way of reminding them(and her) who had first place in my heart. After telling the television host all this she remained unconvinced. But several years later I saw her again and she told me "You know, you were right. I started putting my husband first and it's worked out great."

I later discovered I was not alone in my opinion. Author David Code released a book last year entitled To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First.

Writer Lylah M. Alphonse agrees in an article, "Putting your marriage first may be better for your kids."

So does New York Times writer Lisa Belkin, "Priorities: Children or Spouse?"

So I guess I can't be totally crazy.

Putting the priority on your spouse won't wave a magic wand of peace over disagreements with your spouse about your kids. You'll still have to work together and work through differing opinions about the "right" way to raise kids. But if you put your priority on the marriage relationship, the other stuff tends to fall in place easier. Make your spouse your priority. Make your kids (an important) second.

By Jim Priest