I'm blogging this month about issues couples fight about. So far we've talked about money and sex. The next topic to tackle is "work" . I wanted to write about this earlier, but my work has taken up so much of my time I haven't been able to write.
Not really. But you get the idea. Work is the bully that elbows out the other important things of your life. Work can suck the life out of your marriage quicker than a power vacuum cleans your carpet. Work is demanding, exhausting, intrusive and time consuming.
Yet, most of us have to work. In fact, God has ordained for us to work. He gave Adam and Eve jobs even in the Garden of Eden. Work can provide us with the satisfaction of a job well done. Our work can help people. It can provide us the income we need. So while work has a definite downside it has a decided upside as well.
But work is a tiger to be tamed. Uncontrolled and unleashed it will rip relationships apart. That's why it's the source of many marital arguments. One (or both) spouse lets their work become more important than family. When work takes top priority suppers are left cold on the table, conversation goes extinct, and ball games or recitals are forgotten. Whether you are a one or two income family, your job must be viewed for what it is: something that is important, but not as important as your spouse and children.
Here's a quick check list of things that may help tame the beast called work:
1. Give your spouse permission to tell you (diplomatically!) when your work/life balance is out of whack. Don't be defensive and offer excuses, just listen and brainstorm ideas together about how to restore some sanity to your work life and home life.
2. Decide on your priorities, then talk about them to others and live them. In one of my first job interviews a potential employer told me his firm was considering going to mandatory Saturday hours for associates: "How does that strike you--working 6 days a week?" I told him it wouldn't align very well with my priorities. "Well, what ARE your priorities Mr. Priest?" I told him my relationship with God was first, my relationship with my spouse was second, and my job was third. "That doesn't mean I won't work hard and do a great job--it just means my job isn't going to be the most important thing in my life." Not surprisingly, I didn't get that job. But I did get another one--a great one--one that aligned with my values. I'm not perfect in always putting my job in its proper place, but I have tried to consistently remind myself about what's most important, and then make decisions based on those priorities.
3. Years ago a friend gave me this great advice: "Put your work related appointments on your calendar in pencil and your family commitments in ink." Even though most of us now use computers or blackberries for our calendars the advice still rings true: If you say you're going to make it to dinner with your spouse, make it; don't let the job push him or her out. If you commit to going to your kids ball game, be there; don't let a customer or client take their place.
4. Finally, if you find yourselves, as a couple, unable to talk calmly and rationally about this subject, try using the Speaker Listener technique. See this link to an NBC Today show story about how to "fight fair" with your spouse using the Speaker Listener technique.
So remember, as a counselor once told me: "Your job is not your life. It's an important part of your life, but it's not your life." Keep your relationships as your priority. Because no one, on the death bed, ever said "I wished I'd spent more time at my job."
By Jim Priest
Arguing about Sex
I’m writing a series of articles about fights in marriage and this week's topic is sex. That got your attention, didn’t it?
When it comes to marital fights, sex is the topic with nuclear fire power. It has great potential to unite a couple, but it also can attack and destroy on many levels. Sex arguments have a multitude of subparts that can fan a flame of disagreement into a conflagration: frequency, quantity, quality, pornography, infidelity and lack of interest are all common sources of fights in a marriage. And it’s important to remember sex is not just a “physical thing”. Sex involves more than just your body. Michele Weiner-Davis writes:
I've been a marriage therapist for two decades. I've been privileged to hear the real stories of people's lives- the joys, the pain, the challenges, the payoffs. I've had a bird's eye view of what truly happens to marriages in which one spouse has little or no desire for sex and the other yearns for it desperately. I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that a marriage void of sexuality and intimacy is a marriage doomed to fail.
On her website, http://www.divorcebusting.com/ , Davis shares excerpts from people (not married to each other) struggling with the lack of sex in their marriage:
A man writes: Please, please help me. I am going through hell!! I am twenty-eight years old, married with a three-year-old daughter. For the past three years, my wife has avoided being sexual with me, my wife is not interested in sex. It has slowly gone from having sex maybe twice a week to now, if I'm lucky, once a month. And even then, it's not really having sex. It's more like her saying, "Hurry up and get in here and let's do this before our child wakes up." There is no foreplay. She doesn't even kiss me. I'm the one who always is initiating any sort of affection.
A woman writes: I have a husband who is a good guy; great father, good provider, but I have no lover. This lack of sex in my marriage is more than just a lack of physical attention... It goes deep into a woman's heart. I think in a normal marriage, a couple can fight about anything, but then they can make love and soothe the bad feelings... sort of like a sexual rebirth, a forgiving ritual. But when you are deprived of even that, bitterness and sexual resentment and desperation accumulate. I'm angry about the wasted years, the years I could have been loving, but spent agonizing about why I was being sex deprived. It's so much more than sex. It's feeling wanted, and sexy and desired by the man that you are committed to for life.
See? The woman says “It’s so much more than sex.” This goes back to my original observation. Sex is not just a physical thing. Sex engages us on a physical, emotional, mental and even a spiritual level. Sex is “good” (check out the Song of Solomon in the Old Testament if you’re a doubter). But like every good thing, it can be twisted and misused.
If you’re having fights about sex in your marriage no glib list of suggestions will smooth out all your waves. But try one or more of these tactics:
1. Try Weiner-Davis’ “Great American Sex Challenge”. Weiner writes: “For the next two weeks, do an experiment. Whether you're completely in the mood or not, make your sexual relationship a bigger priority. Initiate sex. Flirt. Be sexy- fondle your spouse when you pass in the hall, send sexy emails or pager messages, compliment your spouse on the way s/he looks, get out of your dumpy, sweat pants and put energy into how you look, be more creative during love-making. Then fasten your seatbelts. You are about to see your grouchy, withdrawn spouse transform before your very eyes. If you don't believe it, JUST DO IT and watch what happens.
2. Try talking through your sex related issue using the “speaker listener” technique. Here’s a link to a youtube video that gives some instruction on this communication approach. It’s a good way to talk when you encounter “hot topics”. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CgieMDTmB4
3. If these “do it yourself” approaches don’t work, seriously consider getting counseling. It is especially difficult to be unemotional and thoughtful when talking to your marriage partner about sex. Sometimes a third party counselor is needed. Push yourself over the speed bump of hesitation (Oh no! I don’t want to talk to a stranger about our sex life!). It will be worth it.
Remember, sex has great potential—for uniting or dividing. Do the hard work necessary to make its potential result in good things for your marriage.
By Jim Priest
When it comes to marital fights, sex is the topic with nuclear fire power. It has great potential to unite a couple, but it also can attack and destroy on many levels. Sex arguments have a multitude of subparts that can fan a flame of disagreement into a conflagration: frequency, quantity, quality, pornography, infidelity and lack of interest are all common sources of fights in a marriage. And it’s important to remember sex is not just a “physical thing”. Sex involves more than just your body. Michele Weiner-Davis writes:
I've been a marriage therapist for two decades. I've been privileged to hear the real stories of people's lives- the joys, the pain, the challenges, the payoffs. I've had a bird's eye view of what truly happens to marriages in which one spouse has little or no desire for sex and the other yearns for it desperately. I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that a marriage void of sexuality and intimacy is a marriage doomed to fail.
On her website, http://www.divorcebusting.com/ , Davis shares excerpts from people (not married to each other) struggling with the lack of sex in their marriage:
A man writes: Please, please help me. I am going through hell!! I am twenty-eight years old, married with a three-year-old daughter. For the past three years, my wife has avoided being sexual with me, my wife is not interested in sex. It has slowly gone from having sex maybe twice a week to now, if I'm lucky, once a month. And even then, it's not really having sex. It's more like her saying, "Hurry up and get in here and let's do this before our child wakes up." There is no foreplay. She doesn't even kiss me. I'm the one who always is initiating any sort of affection.
A woman writes: I have a husband who is a good guy; great father, good provider, but I have no lover. This lack of sex in my marriage is more than just a lack of physical attention... It goes deep into a woman's heart. I think in a normal marriage, a couple can fight about anything, but then they can make love and soothe the bad feelings... sort of like a sexual rebirth, a forgiving ritual. But when you are deprived of even that, bitterness and sexual resentment and desperation accumulate. I'm angry about the wasted years, the years I could have been loving, but spent agonizing about why I was being sex deprived. It's so much more than sex. It's feeling wanted, and sexy and desired by the man that you are committed to for life.
See? The woman says “It’s so much more than sex.” This goes back to my original observation. Sex is not just a physical thing. Sex engages us on a physical, emotional, mental and even a spiritual level. Sex is “good” (check out the Song of Solomon in the Old Testament if you’re a doubter). But like every good thing, it can be twisted and misused.
If you’re having fights about sex in your marriage no glib list of suggestions will smooth out all your waves. But try one or more of these tactics:
1. Try Weiner-Davis’ “Great American Sex Challenge”. Weiner writes: “For the next two weeks, do an experiment. Whether you're completely in the mood or not, make your sexual relationship a bigger priority. Initiate sex. Flirt. Be sexy- fondle your spouse when you pass in the hall, send sexy emails or pager messages, compliment your spouse on the way s/he looks, get out of your dumpy, sweat pants and put energy into how you look, be more creative during love-making. Then fasten your seatbelts. You are about to see your grouchy, withdrawn spouse transform before your very eyes. If you don't believe it, JUST DO IT and watch what happens.
2. Try talking through your sex related issue using the “speaker listener” technique. Here’s a link to a youtube video that gives some instruction on this communication approach. It’s a good way to talk when you encounter “hot topics”. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CgieMDTmB4
3. If these “do it yourself” approaches don’t work, seriously consider getting counseling. It is especially difficult to be unemotional and thoughtful when talking to your marriage partner about sex. Sometimes a third party counselor is needed. Push yourself over the speed bump of hesitation (Oh no! I don’t want to talk to a stranger about our sex life!). It will be worth it.
Remember, sex has great potential—for uniting or dividing. Do the hard work necessary to make its potential result in good things for your marriage.
By Jim Priest
The Love of Money and Lack of Common Sense
Obviously that's a (slight) overstatement, but the truth is nearly all couples argue from time to time. What do they argue about"? Relationship therapist Paula Hall says the top five things that couples argue about are:
• Money
• Sex
• Work
• Children
• Housework
We'll look at each of those in the weeks ahead. This week: money
Every couple has money trouble of some kind but two news stories highlight unusual family financial fiascoes.
First item, Los Angeles, California: Writer Steve Young tried to “sell” his family on E-Bay for five million dollars. Young and his family posted an auction item on the internet website offering to provide a “lifetime of platonic companionship, including invitations to family outings and holiday gatherings as well as tips on writing, gardening and cooking” for a minimum bid of five million dollars. The Young's offered to move to any location, become the winner’s “family” and adopt the winner’s surname. The Young’s E-Bay item received more than 10,000 hits within minutes of its posting but E-Bay pulled it before a deal could be completed (the company has a policy against the sale of humans). Mr. Young was disappointed. “You have patrons of the arts, museums and charities. I wanted a patron for my family,” he said.
Second item, Barnegat, New Jersey: The entire family of Kevin and Kathleen Jones was charged with robbery and conspiracy in connection with a bank robbery planned and carried out by the fourteen year old twin daughters. The Jones were facing medical and financial problems, including a home foreclosure so the twins decided to do something about it. They planned to rob a bank. Their mother discovered the plan, but instead of trying to talk the girls out of it, mom became the “wheel man” (or perhaps, “wheel-mom“). After robbing the bank with a toy gun, the entire family took the $3,050 and drove to Atlantic City where the girls hung out on the Boardwalk while the parents gambled. Three days later a SWAT team burst into the family home at dinnertime and arrested the Jones’ gang. Kevin Jones explained his wife’s involvement by saying, “It was the children that thought this up, not Kathleen. She woke up one morning and caught them stealing my car to do a robbery. She decided to drive the car to make sure her kids were safe and that whatever happened to them would happen to her.”
The love of money not only sucks the milk of human kindness out of people but often their common sense as well. Dumb ideas about money can lead a husband to put his family on an internet auction block or put a wife behind the wheel of a get-away car.
In these tough economic times there is no denying that family financial needs are great and many have to pinch pennies and make them squeal. But when money is tight, couples must keep their head about them and live a life of frugality and wisdom. No chasing the elusive quick buck. No compromise on values. No turning your head to wrongdoing. Money makes a wonderful servant but a terrible master.
Controlling spending habits and cultivating saving habits are slow, but proven ways of dealing with runaway finances. Want to argue less about money? Think carefully about your financial situation. Where does our money go? How can we get a handle on our spending? Then make the difficult decisions and take the actions necessary to tame the money monster in your home.
Don't know where to start?
You might also want to consider attending Dave Ramsey's "Total Money Makeover" scheduled for February 19 at the Oklahoma City Cox Convention Center. Many couples have received real, practical help with their finances from Ramsey. For more information visit daveramsey.com.
Or find a class -
Navigating the Financial Roadway: Finding God’s Plan for Living Well
Financial Peace
Thought for the week: “Money is not the root of all evil, but the love of money is.”
By Jim Priest
Avoiding Unfaithfulness
When Sandra Bullock won an academy award for her role in the movie The Blind Side her husband, Jesse James, was smiling at her side. Unfortunately, James had already blindsided Bullock by having an affair with another woman and it wasn't long before news leaked out and Bullock sought a divorce. The Bullock/James split reminded all of us that unfaithfulness can crash anyone's world, even the rich and famous, and certainly yours and mine.
Some people think unfaithfulness means physical adultery, and that certainly is one kind of unfaithfulness. But unfaithfulness starts in the mind long before it acts in the body. Jesus said, “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” and the same is true for women. The book of James says it even more to the point: “Each one of us is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own (mental) lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin and when sin is accomplished it brings forth death.” In the context of marriage we might rephrase the passage this way: “Each of us is tempted to be unfaithful when we let our minds wander into dangerous territory. And when we let those wandering thoughts linger, they give birth to the desire to act on them, and that’s when sin results and the death of our marriage often follows.”
How do we avoid unfaithfulness in our marriage? The same way we keep crab grass from growing in our lawn—root out the problem at the very beginning, before it grows out of control. Here’s what that means in practical terms:
By Jim Priest
Some people think unfaithfulness means physical adultery, and that certainly is one kind of unfaithfulness. But unfaithfulness starts in the mind long before it acts in the body. Jesus said, “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” and the same is true for women. The book of James says it even more to the point: “Each one of us is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own (mental) lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin and when sin is accomplished it brings forth death.” In the context of marriage we might rephrase the passage this way: “Each of us is tempted to be unfaithful when we let our minds wander into dangerous territory. And when we let those wandering thoughts linger, they give birth to the desire to act on them, and that’s when sin results and the death of our marriage often follows.”
How do we avoid unfaithfulness in our marriage? The same way we keep crab grass from growing in our lawn—root out the problem at the very beginning, before it grows out of control. Here’s what that means in practical terms:
- We don’t spend time alone or confide with a member of the opposite sex—something that lowers inhibitions and opens the door to greater intimacy. This is especially dangerous and true in the era of Facebook. According to a recent survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, twenty percent of divorces involve Facebook and 80 percent of divorce lawyers have reported a spike in the number of cases that use social media for evidence.
- We don’t let our minds dwell on things that are suggestive, pornographic or fantasy romance. This includes websites, magazines, romance novels or movies and television. Instead, We look for ways to spice up the romance in our own marriages. If the fire has gone out in your romance fireplace, make it your goal to stoke the embers back into a flame. Feelings follow actions. Act romantic and, (believe it or not) after awhile, you’ll feel romantic.
- We don’t let emotions rule our actions. When we feel the tug of temptation with a member of the opposite sex we follow the advice of the Apostle Paul and “flee youthful lusts.” This applies even when we’re not so youthful! One of my favorite expressions is "You have to act better than you feel." If we just acted the way we felt and let emotions rule our behavior, people would be shooting each other on the interstate every day. Bring your behavior in line with the faithfulness commitment you made in your marriage vow.
By Jim Priest
Watering Your Partner
I'm guilty of second degree murder. I have, without pre-meditation (actually with NO meditation), killed many green plants. I either over water them or forget to water them. As a result, they suffer root rot or dehydration. I've learned from 33 years of marriage that communication in marriage is like watering plants. Both too much and too little can kill a relationship.
In marriage preparation classes that I have led for engaged couples I take a survey in which one of the "Agree/Disagree" statement is: “I wish my partner were more willing to share his/her feelings with me.” Every woman has answered this question “Agree” and nearly every man has answered this question “Disagree”. In three years of administering the survey I can’t remember anyone marking “Undecided.” Apparently most women desire their men to talk more while most men have all the communication they want.
Why is this? I think Dave Barry was on to something when he wrote:
What women want:
Which leads us back to the question why do women always answer “agree” and men always answer “disagree” when asked "Do you wish your partner were more willing to share his/her feelings with you?"
Part of this mystery is wrapped up in the reality that women share their feelings more often and easily than men. Most of the engaged women who take the survey say “I just want to know what’s going on inside him!“ To which most of the men reply “Nothing’s going on.“ Women cannot believe this is true but I tell you, ladies, from personal experience, it really is. Often guys are not thinking about anything in particular (except maybe the Super Bowl). It’s not that we’re hiding our feelings or thoughts from you--we just don't spent much time dwelling on them. It’s not that we’re insensitive slobs (okay, it’s not just that we are insensitive slobs!) our brain is simply not keyed into seeking out or giving relationship information like yours.
So what’s the practical application of this revelation? Women: don’t get overly frustrated with your man if he doesn’t share his inner feelings. Chances are, he may not have any at that moment. Remember while you seek and want to share this kind of information, your man probably does not. Be careful you don’t “drown” your man with too much “feeling talk”. Overdoing it is like over-watering a plant. Avoid root rot in your relationship.
Men: like it or not, you’re going to have to open up! You may actually have to think about what you’re feeling and articulate it in out-loud, verbal expressions rather than your usual grunts and shrugs. Think of words as water for your relationship with your woman; without verbalizing your thoughts and feelings, the relationship will dry up and shrivel like a neglected plant. You’re going to have to talk a little bit more and share your thoughts and feelings with your woman. That’s one aspect of the give and take in a male/female relationship.
Willingness to share feelings is like water to a plant. Too much will drown it. Too little will dehydrate it. Just the right amount of watering will make the plant thrive and your relationship will too.
Author: Jim Priest
In marriage preparation classes that I have led for engaged couples I take a survey in which one of the "Agree/Disagree" statement is: “I wish my partner were more willing to share his/her feelings with me.” Every woman has answered this question “Agree” and nearly every man has answered this question “Disagree”. In three years of administering the survey I can’t remember anyone marking “Undecided.” Apparently most women desire their men to talk more while most men have all the communication they want.
Why is this? I think Dave Barry was on to something when he wrote:
What women want:
- Words of expressive love
- Meaningful conversation
- Physical affection
- A growing sense of intimacy
- Tickets to the Super Bowl
Which leads us back to the question why do women always answer “agree” and men always answer “disagree” when asked "Do you wish your partner were more willing to share his/her feelings with you?"
Part of this mystery is wrapped up in the reality that women share their feelings more often and easily than men. Most of the engaged women who take the survey say “I just want to know what’s going on inside him!“ To which most of the men reply “Nothing’s going on.“ Women cannot believe this is true but I tell you, ladies, from personal experience, it really is. Often guys are not thinking about anything in particular (except maybe the Super Bowl). It’s not that we’re hiding our feelings or thoughts from you--we just don't spent much time dwelling on them. It’s not that we’re insensitive slobs (okay, it’s not just that we are insensitive slobs!) our brain is simply not keyed into seeking out or giving relationship information like yours.
So what’s the practical application of this revelation? Women: don’t get overly frustrated with your man if he doesn’t share his inner feelings. Chances are, he may not have any at that moment. Remember while you seek and want to share this kind of information, your man probably does not. Be careful you don’t “drown” your man with too much “feeling talk”. Overdoing it is like over-watering a plant. Avoid root rot in your relationship.
Men: like it or not, you’re going to have to open up! You may actually have to think about what you’re feeling and articulate it in out-loud, verbal expressions rather than your usual grunts and shrugs. Think of words as water for your relationship with your woman; without verbalizing your thoughts and feelings, the relationship will dry up and shrivel like a neglected plant. You’re going to have to talk a little bit more and share your thoughts and feelings with your woman. That’s one aspect of the give and take in a male/female relationship.
Willingness to share feelings is like water to a plant. Too much will drown it. Too little will dehydrate it. Just the right amount of watering will make the plant thrive and your relationship will too.
Author: Jim Priest
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